btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Randomize
