Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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