One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
