She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I smell stomach acid.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i love accidental penises.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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