You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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