Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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