guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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