Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
