He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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