I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
