Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
