I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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