you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
