I think I am morally bankrupt
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
