oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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