Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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