Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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