she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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