This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
