college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
