dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
