I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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