Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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