Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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