cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
