So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
