She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
