I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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