I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
