Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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