She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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