I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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