trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
