it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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