i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I smell like Dick and happiness
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