We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
