I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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