If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
