I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
