She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
