I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
