Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
