i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
