btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
