True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
