Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
