In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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