I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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