she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
