i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
