he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and she was petting her beer can
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
