i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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